Ways to Talk to Your Child About Death

The following ideas are to be used as guidelines.  Each child is different.  Every grief has a different timeline, process and course.  Use what is helpful.  Get help when it feels that you could use the support. 

The most important influence on how children react at a time of death is the response of parents and other important people in the child’s life. 

Children cannot fully take hold of all that they are being told in the beginning.  The information that children acquire from the process of questions and answers is less important than the accepting atmosphere that such interactions create.  Children need to repeat their questions over and over.  This helps them adjust better to the death. It is not the gaining of additional information that makes these repeated questions helpful, but the process of repeating the questions.  It is as if each time the child discusses the death it becomes a little more bearable.  This desensitization of the pain of death is central to children’s adjusting to it.

As a parent, you do not need to offer more information than the child is really asking. Keep answers simple.  If the child wants more information, they will ask again.

Children often ask questions to test.  Try to figure out what they are really asking.  For example, if they ask if people die from stomachaches, you ask, are you worried about your stomach?  Or, are you asking what X died from?  Use your intuition.

It’s OK to admit that you don’t have all the answers.

Help label your child’s feelings.   Say, it seems like you are feeling “x”.  I see the “worry or anger or sadness” in your eyes (face, body).

Remember that appearances can be deceiving.  The child who seems to be doing exceptionally well can often be the most upset inside.  For the first year, check in with your child frequently, just to see how they are doing.  Don’t be close-ended in your questioning.  Don’t say, “ how are you doing”  because you will get ‘fine” for an answer.  Ask,  “what thoughts (feelings, concerns, questions) have been on you mind lately?

Do not feel that you shouldn’t cry or get upset in front of your child.   They need to see that others are also experiencing “big” feelings.  Feel your feelings, but remember not to burden your child with “adult” feelings.  Share those with a therapist or other supportive person.

Children are more likely to feel guilt than adults.  In their experiences bad things happen when they are naughty.  Even if they understand the manner of death, they often experience survivor’s guilt.  Acknowledge that they might be feeling this, but reassure them they were in no way responsible.